I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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