Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
