nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
