____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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