I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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