I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize