My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
