I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize