there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
