I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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