I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
