Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
