did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
