so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
