She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize