did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
