I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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