My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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