I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
