Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
