she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
