I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
