need another drink. this is the easiest way
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
