I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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