I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
