Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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