1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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