I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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