Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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