I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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