there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
