You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My vagina just clenched in fear
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
