Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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