So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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