If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
