How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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