im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
