i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
