i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
