I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
