Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
