I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
