I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
