How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
