I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
