everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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