I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
