I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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