I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
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