I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
