so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
