he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
this just has baby written all over it
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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