I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
