so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
