All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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