When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize