Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
